A Note on Grief

Grief is a part of life.  Period.  There is no escaping a life without heartache, in fact, a life without heartache would be half a life, in my opinion.  It is through trial, grief, and the general "tough stuff" that one's true colors tend to come through, you (hopefully) learn about yourself and grow in the process.  I see families grieve on a relatively frequent basis in my line of work and every death is different and special.  I hear (and say) all of the old stand-bys, "She's in a better place celebrating with the Lord", "He is no longer suffering", "She is at peace now",  and I say them in all sincerity.  But it doesn't change the fact that death and grief is hard.

I have experienced some really tough deaths in my short, rapidly approaching, 30 years.  I  have lost friends to tragic accidents, stood by friends as they said good-bye to parents much too soon, celebrated the 96 years my great-grandmother spent on this earth, and cried with the families of my patients as we held their hands during their last breath.  And each one is different.  I suppose that is to be expected since every relationship and circumstance is unique.  I've also learned a lot about myself and how to manage the grief as I've gotten older.

My grandpa died when I was 9 and I curled up in my parents bed and cried, then cried with my cousins at the funeral, though maybe not really understanding what it all really meant, I just knew I was sad.  I kept one of his flannel shirts nearby for a few years, as well as a ribbon from his funeral.  When I was 18 I stood by dear friends as they processed the grief of losing  a parent tragically, as well as shed many tears of my own over the incredible sadness of it and felt empathy on a deeper level.  At 19 I lost a very dear friend to a tragedy.  We gathered together as friends on many occasion to reminisce and toast our lost comrade.  But I still don't think I really processed his death in a healthy way.  It took a few years after his death but I began to realize that you must recognize and respect your grief, otherwise it will find a way to rear it's ugly head and leave you a sobbing mess, and did very often once my defenses were down after a night on the town.

As I have allowed this realization to grow I have tried to put it in to practice.  It's ok to be sad and sometimes you may not know why.  Every year in September and January I get a little melancholy and it always takes me a bit to realize it's the anniversary of a loved ones' passing.  Now I find that if I say to myself "wow, I'm still sad about that" and just sit with the sadness for awhile I feel better, the love you felt/feel deserves time to be remembered.

Unfortunately I find myself faced with grief once again after the passing of my Aunt this week.  It's especially hard being so far away.  I've been very busy since the I received the news with the events of last weekend as well as busy and long shifts at work.  Today was my last shift before heading home and I found myself feeling very agitated and uncomfortable towards the end of the work day.  No real work reason, all my patients were doing well, I had all my charting done, I was ready to go.  Then I realized that was why I was feeling anxious.  My work was almost done and that meant it was time to grieve and allow that sadness to be the main focus for the next few days. Not exactly something to look forward to, but still very necessary. It's time to grieve and process, part of the reason I felt compelled to share a very personal blog post.  I will devote the next four days to celebrating the life of my aunt, recognizing the love we shared as a family, and supporting my cousin as she says good-bye to her Mother.  And I'm going to be sad.  Probably for awhile.  And that's OK.